Mitch Hedberg Quotes:- Mitch Hedberg (February 24, 1968 – March 29, 2005) was an American stand-up comedian known for his surreal humor and deadpan delivery. His comedy typically featured short, sometimes one-line jokes mixed with absurd elements and non-sequiturs.
Inspirational Mitch Hedberg Quotes
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming.
Mitch Hedberg
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
Mitch Hedberg
I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn’t work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
Mitch Hedberg
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
Mitch Hedberg
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
Mitch Hedberg
I like to play blackjack. I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
Mitch Hedberg
I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That’s like a free compliment and you don’t even gotta be smart to notice it.
Mitch Hedberg
People teach their dogs to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
Mitch Hedberg
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
Mitch Hedberg
Famous Mitch Hedberg Quotes
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
Mitch Hedberg
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
Mitch Hedberg
I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.
Mitch Hedberg
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Mitch Hedberg
I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
Mitch Hedberg
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
Mitch Hedberg
I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
Mitch Hedberg
I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
Mitch Hedberg
I like refried beans. That’s why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they’re just as good and we’re just wasting time. You don’t have to fry them again after all.
Mitch Hedberg
I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
Mitch Hedberg
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
Mitch Hedberg
I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
Mitch Hedberg
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.
Mitch Hedberg
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
Mitch Hedberg
I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that… day.
Mitch Hedberg
I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
Mitch Hedberg
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
Mitch Hedberg
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
Mitch Hedberg
I’d like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.
Mitch Hedberg
I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
Mitch Hedberg
I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
Mitch Hedberg
I’m gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.
Mitch Hedberg
If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
Mitch Hedberg
If my kid couldn’t draw I’d make sure that my kitchen magnets didn’t work.
Mitch Hedberg
Is a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Optimus?
Mitch Hedberg
It’s weird… people say they’re not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?
Mitch Hedberg
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg
My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She’s an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
Mitch Hedberg
Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
Mitch Hedberg
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain’t funny!
Mitch Hedberg
Top Mitch Hedberg Quotes
I know you can’t please all the people all the time… and last night, all those people were at my show.
Mitch Hedberg
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
Mitch Hedberg
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
Mitch Hedberg
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
Mitch Hedberg
Every time I go and shave, I assume there’s someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, ‘I’m gonna go shave, too.’
Mitch Hedberg
It’s very dangerous to wave to people you don’t know because what if they don’t have hands? They’ll think you’re cocky.
Mitch Hedberg
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, ‘You’re gonna have to move, you’re blocking a fire exit.’ As though if there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you’re flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
Mitch Hedberg
Do You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
Mitch Hedberg
