Steven Wright Quotes:- Steven Wright (born December 6, 1955) is an American stand-up comedian, actor, writer, and film producer. He is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical, and sometimes nonsensical jokes, paraprosdokians, non-sequiturs, anti-humor, and one-liners with contrived situations.
Inspirational Steven Wright Quotes
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing ‘Happy Birthday.’
Steven Wright
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
Steven Wright
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Steven Wright
I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.
Steven Wright
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
Steven Wright
When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.
Steven Wright
What’s another word for Thesaurus?
Steven Wright
I have an existential map. It has ‘You are here’ written all over it.
Steven Wright
George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge… you can’t hear him talk.
Steven Wright
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I’m the only one moving.
Steven Wright
I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.
Steven Wright
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
Steven Wright
When I was a little kid we had a sandbox. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
Steven Wright
I went to a general store but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.
Steven Wright
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
Steven Wright
I invented the cordless extension cord.
Steven Wright
My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
Steven Wright
How young can you die of old age?
Steven Wright
It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.
Steven Wright
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
Steven Wright
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright
There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Steven Wright
I think God’s going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
Steven Wright
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.
Steven Wright
If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
Steven Wright
Don’t you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
Steven Wright
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Steven Wright
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
Steven Wright
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don’t get it.
Steven Wright
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
Steven Wright
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
Steven Wright
I saw a bank that said ’24 Hour Banking’, but I don’t have that much time.
Steven Wright
I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
Steven Wright
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn’t have to go so fast.
Steven Wright
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
Steven Wright
If you can’t hear me, it’s because I’m in parentheses.
Steven Wright
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Steven Wright
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It’s in the apartment somewhere.
Steven Wright
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
Steven Wright
Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time… I think I’ve forgotten this before.
Steven Wright
The other day I… uh, no, that wasn’t me.
Steven Wright
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, ‘Well, what do you need?’
Steven Wright
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
Steven Wright
I bought some instant water one time but I didn’t know what to add to it.
Steven Wright
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
Steven Wright
I live on a one-way street that’s also a dead end. I’m not sure how I got there.
Steven Wright
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
Steven Wright
I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
Steven Wright
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
Steven Wright
I went to a general store. They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.
Steven Wright
I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
Steven Wright
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
Steven Wright
If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Steven Wright
Babies don’t need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach… it pisses me off! I’ll go over to a little baby and say ‘What are you doing here? You haven’t worked a day in your life!’
Steven Wright
I haven’t changed at all. I’m the same as when I was 11.
Steven Wright
It’s like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.
Steven Wright
To the audience, it’s like I’m changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show’s almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.
Steven Wright
Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I’m not an improv guy. I’m a writer-guy who presents what he’s written.
Steven Wright
I’m standing behind a wall of jokes. You don’t know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I’m not on the road. There’s this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don’t know anything about me.
Steven Wright
I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That’s still what I am doing. The end.
Steven Wright
I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
Steven Wright
I’ve been doing comedy longer than I haven’t been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on ‘The Tonight Show.’ There’s truly nothing like it; it’s intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.
Steven Wright
I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, ‘You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.’
Steven Wright
Famous Steven Wright Quotes
Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won’t die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn’t have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn’t want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
Steven Wright
My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
Steven Wright
I’ve always had to conquer fear when I’m on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It’s absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I’m okay. It’s like I’m out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me.
Steven Wright
I’m seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There’s no black and white to it. But sometimes I’m seeing it like I’m 4.
Steven Wright
It usually helps me write by reading – somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear.
Steven Wright
I’m used to seeing it, but it’s weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it’s kind of surreal to have one in your house.
Steven Wright
Best Steven Wright Quotes About Movies
I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I’m an idiot.
Steven Wright
I don’t go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it’s contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.
Steven Wright
Sometimes I wish my first word was ‘quote,’ so that on my death bed, my last words could be ‘end quote.’
Steven Wright
I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the ‘Boston Phoenix,’ and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that’s where I first saw ‘deadpan.’
Steven Wright
I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
Steven Wright
My mother is from another time – the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that’s what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn’t know what I’m talking about. I know if I wasn’t her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going.
Steven Wright
Top Steven Wright Quotes
If I ever had twins, I’d use one for parts.
Steven Wright
People may think I’m trying something new by telling stories, but they’re just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That’s what I do.
Steven Wright
It seems like we wake up and it’s a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, ‘What the hell am I doing?’
Steven Wright
The things I talk about and explain couldn’t happen – yet, they don’t seem impossible – you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane – and it’s trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.
Steven Wright
I laugh all the time – at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don’t laugh onstage because then it’s serious business.
Steven Wright
When I was 16… I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because… they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.
Steven Wright
