Henny Youngman Quotes:- Henry Youngman (16 March 1906 – 24 February 1998) was a British-born American comedian and musician famous for his mastery of the “one-liner”, his best-known being “Take my wife… please”. In a time when many comedians told elaborate anecdotes, Youngman’s routine consisted of telling simple one-liner jokes, occasionally with interludes of violin playing. These depicted simple, cartoon-like situations, eliminating lengthy build-ups and going straight to the punch line.
Inspirational Henny Youngman Quotes and Sayings
“If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.”
Henny Youngman
“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need if I die by four o’clock.”
Henny Youngman
“I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up – they have no holidays.”
Henny Youngman
“While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.”
Henny Youngman
“Take my wife… Please!”
Henny Youngman
“The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.”
Henny Youngman
“Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.”
Henny Youngman
“Those two are a fastidious couple. She’s fast and he’s hideous.”
Henny Youngman
“This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he’s Frank and in Chicago he’s Ernest.”
Henny Youngman
“There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.”
Henny Youngman
“A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.”
Henny Youngman
“My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.”
Henny Youngman
“You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.”
Henny Youngman
“She’s a big-hearted girl with hips to match.”
Henny Youngman
Best Henny Youngman Quotes
“My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.”
Henny Youngman
“That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!”
Henny Youngman
“I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.”
Henny Youngman
“A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.”
Henny Youngman
“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music, and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”
Henny Youngman
“I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.”
Henny Youngman
“I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.”
Henny Youngman
“Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.”
Henny Youngman
“I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.”
Henny Youngman
“When I told my doctor I couldn’t afford an operation, he offered to touch up my X-rays.”
Henny Youngman
“This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!”
Henny Youngman
Famous Henny Youngman Quotes
“I know a man who doesn’t pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts it into an unlocked car.”
Henny Youngman
“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad; but New York City?”
Henny Youngman
“You have a ready wit. Tell me when it’s ready.”
Henny Youngman
“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”
Henny Youngman
“Why don’t Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.”
Henny Youngman
“You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.”
Henny Youngman
“She has a wash-and-wear bridal gown.”
Henny Youngman
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”
Henny Youngman
“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”
Henny Youngman
“Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.”
Henny Youngman
“If at first, you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.”
Henny Youngman
“A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.”
Henny Youngman
Top 10 Henny Youngman Quotes
“My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.”
Henny Youngman
“You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.”
Henny Youngman
“When God sneezed, I didn’t know what to say.”
Henny Youngman
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.”
Henny Youngman
“My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time when you get out of bed, it’s feet first!”
Henny Youngman
“Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it.”
Henny Youngman
“This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.”
Henny Youngman
“She’s been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.”
Henny Youngman
“I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.”
Henny Youngman
“If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.”
Henny Youngman
“If my mother knew I did this for a living, she’d kill me. She thinks I’m selling dope.”
Henny Youngman
