Woody Allen Quotes:- Woody Allen (born Allan Stewart Konigsberg; December 1, 1935) is an American director, writer, actor, and comedian whose career spans more than six decades.
He began his career as a comedy writer in the 1950s, writing jokes and scripts for television and publishing several books of short humor pieces.
In the early 1960s, he performed as a stand-up comedian, emphasizing monologues rather than traditional jokes, where he developed the persona of an insecure, intellectual, fretful nebbish, which he maintains is quite different from his real-life personality.
Inspirational Woody Allen Quotes
“There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?”-Woody Allen
“Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.”-Woody Allen
“Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all.”-Woody Allen
“As the poet said, ‘Only God can make a tree,’ probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.”-Woody Allen
“I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.”-Woody Allen
“Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go it’s pretty damn good.”Woody Allen
“Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it’s all over much too soon.”-Woody Allen
“The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won’t get much sleep.”-Woody Allen
“In my house, I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision-maker.”-Woody Allen
“It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.”-Woody Allen
100+ Woody Allen Quotes About Life & Love
“Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.”-Woody Allen
“It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”-Woody Allen
“My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.”-Woody Allen
“I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.”-Woody Allen
“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.”-Woody Allen
“He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.”-Woody Allen
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.”-Woody Allen
“The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don’t have.”-Woody Allen
“What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.”-Woody Allen
“I don’t believe in the afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.”-Woody Allen
“If my films don’t show a profit, I know I’m doing something right.”-Woody Allen
“Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.”-Woody Allen
Woody Allen Quotes About His Movies
“Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.”-Woody Allen
“Right now it’s only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.”-Woody Allen
“Eighty percent of success is showing up.”-Woody Allen
“In Beverly Hills… they don’t throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.”-Woody Allen
“If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.”-Woody Allen
“Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.”-Woody Allen
“You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.”-Woody Allen
“Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, ‘Be fruitful and multiply,’ but not in those words.”-Woody Allen
“In California, they don’t throw their garbage away – they make it into TV shows.”-Woody Allen
“To you, I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the Loyal Opposition.”-Woody Allen
“If you’re not failing every now and again, it’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative.”-Woody Allen
“Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.”-Woody Allen
“Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.”-Woody Allen
40+ Funniest Woody Allen Quotes
“Tradition is the illusion of permanence.”-Woody Allen
“It is impossible to experience one’s death objectively and still carry a tune.”-Woody Allen
“I failed to make the chess team because of my height.”-Woody Allen
“I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.”-Woody Allen
“I’d call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.”-Woody Allen
“I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.”-Woody Allen
“My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.”-Woody Allen
“I’ve never been an intellectual but I have this look.”-Woody Allen
“Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.”-Woody Allen
“The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.”-Woody Allen
“Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.”-Woody Allen
“I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.”-Woody Allen
“Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.”-Woody Allen
“On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.”-Woody Allen
Famous Woody Allen Quotes and Sayings
“Marriage is the death of hope.”-Woody Allen
“I don’t have to ‘freedom-kiss’ my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.”-Woody Allen
“What if nothing exists and we’re all in somebody’s dream?”-Woody Allen
“I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.”-Woody Allen
“I don’t think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.”-Woody Allen
“Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.”-Woody Allen
“When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.”-Woody Allen
“I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.”-Woody Allen
“Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?”-Woody Allen
“If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.”-Woody Allen
“When we played softball, I’d steal second base, feel guilty and go back.”-Woody Allen
“I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.”-Woody Allen
“I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.”-Woody Allen
Inspiring Woody Allen Quotes and Sayings
“Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.”-Woody Allen
“I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.”-Woody Allen
“I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it’s the government.”-Woody Allen
“I am two with nature.”-Woody Allen
“Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.”-Woody Allen
“His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.”-Woody Allen
“Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.”-Woody Allen
“Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.”-Woody Allen
“I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”-Woody Allen
“I’m not afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”-Woody Allen
