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Woody Allen Quotes

Motivational Woody Allen Quotes and Sayings

Woody Allen Quotes:- Woody Allen (born Allan Stewart Konigsberg; December 1, 1935) is an American director, writer, actor, and comedian whose career spans more than six decades.

He began his career as a comedy writer in the 1950s, writing jokes and scripts for television and publishing several books of short humor pieces.

In the early 1960s, he performed as a stand-up comedian, emphasizing monologues rather than traditional jokes, where he developed the persona of an insecure, intellectual, fretful nebbish, which he maintains is quite different from his real-life personality.

Inspirational Woody Allen Quotes

“There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?”-Woody Allen

Inspirational Woody Allen Quotes

“Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.”-Woody Allen


“Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all.”-Woody Allen


“As the poet said, ‘Only God can make a tree,’ probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.”-Woody Allen


“I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.”-Woody Allen


“Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go it’s pretty damn good.”Woody Allen


“Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it’s all over much too soon.”-Woody Allen

“The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won’t get much sleep.”-Woody Allen


“In my house, I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision-maker.”-Woody Allen


“It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.”-Woody Allen


100+ Woody Allen Quotes About Life & Love


“Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.”-Woody Allen


“It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”-Woody Allen


“My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.”-Woody Allen


“I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.”-Woody Allen


“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.”-Woody Allen

“He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.”-Woody Allen


“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.”-Woody Allen


“The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don’t have.”-Woody Allen


“What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.”-Woody Allen


“I don’t believe in the afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.”-Woody Allen


“If my films don’t show a profit, I know I’m doing something right.”-Woody Allen


“Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.”-Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quotes About His Movies


“Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.”-Woody Allen

“Right now it’s only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.”-Woody Allen


“Eighty percent of success is showing up.”-Woody Allen


“In Beverly Hills… they don’t throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.”-Woody Allen


“If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.”-Woody Allen


“Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.”-Woody Allen


“You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.”-Woody Allen


“Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, ‘Be fruitful and multiply,’ but not in those words.”-Woody Allen


“In California, they don’t throw their garbage away – they make it into TV shows.”-Woody Allen

“To you, I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the Loyal Opposition.”-Woody Allen


“If you’re not failing every now and again, it’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative.”-Woody Allen


“Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.”-Woody Allen


“Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.”-Woody Allen


40+ Funniest Woody Allen Quotes


“Tradition is the illusion of permanence.”-Woody Allen


“It is impossible to experience one’s death objectively and still carry a tune.”-Woody Allen


“I failed to make the chess team because of my height.”-Woody Allen


“I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.”-Woody Allen


“I’d call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.”-Woody Allen


“I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.”-Woody Allen


“My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.”-Woody Allen


“I’ve never been an intellectual but I have this look.”-Woody Allen


“Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.”-Woody Allen


“The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.”-Woody Allen


“Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.”-Woody Allen


“I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.”-Woody Allen


“Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.”-Woody Allen


“On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.”-Woody Allen


Famous Woody Allen Quotes and Sayings


“Marriage is the death of hope.”-Woody Allen


“I don’t have to ‘freedom-kiss’ my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.”-Woody Allen


“What if nothing exists and we’re all in somebody’s dream?”-Woody Allen


“I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.”-Woody Allen


“I don’t think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.”-Woody Allen


“Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.”-Woody Allen


“When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.”-Woody Allen


“I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.”-Woody Allen


“Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?”-Woody Allen


“If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.”-Woody Allen


“When we played softball, I’d steal second base, feel guilty and go back.”-Woody Allen


“I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.”-Woody Allen


“I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.”-Woody Allen


Inspiring Woody Allen Quotes and Sayings


“Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.”-Woody Allen


“I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.”-Woody Allen


“I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it’s the government.”-Woody Allen


“I am two with nature.”-Woody Allen


“Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.”-Woody Allen


“His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.”-Woody Allen


“Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.”-Woody Allen


“Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.”-Woody Allen


“I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”-Woody Allen


“I’m not afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”-Woody Allen